Pull over rollercoaster!

I know I have not exactly been the most honest person in the past, and I know that it seems that I have an unsteady heart, or that what I seem to like seems to change like my clothes;…….but how is that any different from anyone else? People change, and what was once loved and admired about a person turns into annoying resentment. Sometimes people love being with someone and spending time with them, even though that person may not exactly be the perfect match, in the beginning of a relationship people are willing to overlook the small annoyances that occur from day to day. As time passes, weeks go by; time and experiences are shared together and people start developing a connection (at this point, everyone is still on their good behavior – i.e. open doors, no farting, say please and thank you) Months go by, arguments have been had, feelings have been hurt or people have been disappointed or let down; the newness has worn off, basically. At this point people start being a little more realistic and seeing people for who they really are; all those little idiosyncrasies that people would overlook, start becoming annoying.

I know that I have fallen head over head for someone and thought to my self; “Well, it’s ok, I can overlook her weight.” Or “I just won’t smoke around her…” but what always happens is that a few weeks or months later those same reasons begin to bug me to death. I guess one of my biggest problems is that I want it SO bad. I want to be with someone for the rest of my life; but I am not willing to just have anyone, I want the right one, but don’t know what the right one is. Everyone wants the same thing, everyone wants to feel needed and wanted and to be thought about and cared about; but unfortunately, (in my case especially) my past seems to catch up with me.

I find it amazing that people’s personalities are mostly like their lives. If you date someone with a lot of drama in their personality, they will have a lot of drama in their life. People’s personalities engulf the people around them, and before you know it, you are sucked into the drama too.

I never expected to have problems like this, it was never my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings; but sometimes people make false realities for themselves, and if you disrupt that false reality the other person doesn’t know what to do and begins to think irrationally and hatefully toward the other person. Soon, revenge comes to mind, then a full out war. I am not perfect, no one is, and I am not saying I have more problems than anyone else, but I certainly have to deal with things that others don’t. I guess I feel like I got shorted on life. I never asked for this, and I feel like life owes me. Sometimes I wish I was stupid, or ‘simple’, because if I were I wouldn’t be smart enough to know the difference. Sometimes I have a hard time tolerating all the stupidity that surrounds me from day to day. Sometimes I get tired of dealing with irrational hormonal people with uncontrollable emotions. Why do I suffer so? Why do I have to tolerate such ignorance? Why is it that no matter how hard I try to get as far away from my past as possible; I seem to reap what I have sown, today? Blair despised Lisa; Lisa banished me from her life because of Jenny; Jenny was green with jealousy over Liz; and now Alecia is bothered by Jenny. When will this uncontrollable emotional rollercoaster pull over? When will people understand that people have pasts, if we didn’t we would just be born, and that would be weird. When are people going to stop judging you on your past and take you for who you are, and not what you were? People change, some for the better and some for the worse, but everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves without automatically being prejudged by past actions. Haven’t I done my time? Haven’t I been tortured enough? Can't I just live my life and love who I want in peice without prejudgments or people putting in their two cents about what I did to them or what happened a long time ago? People are diffrent, which makes relationships and situations diffrent; so what may have happened with one, is not likely to happen another.

On a side note: I have finally been hired on full time at my current job! I am no longer temp, and with that, I get benifits and a four dollar raise! YEA! Now I just have to work on being a little nicer on the phone and I think everything will be ok in the job aspect.