Today is Wednesday, Yea! LOST comes on tonight, I seem to be hooked on that show.

I haven’t seen my roommate in, I think, four days. He started his new job, working from 5pm-2am, so I barely see him, mainly just on the weekends. I am not exactly disappointed considering last weekend he came home with one of his dates and started hitting on me. Not something that I let get carried away, besides the fact that I am not gay, he is dating someone; well, dating several people. Yuck! I could not imagine making out with a guy. Jimmy and I were talking a few nights ago, swapping stories. I asked him, “How do you know you are gay?” I told him that I could never kiss a guy, and never ‘cuddle’ with a guy….yuck! I think it’s a hair thing; I just can’t stand a whole lot of hair. Jimmy assured me I was not gay.

I was at They Yellow Rose on Sat. night with B, when Ryan / Megan / Renee & Michelle (the twins) walked into the bar. These are old friends from high school, well, I wouldn’t call them friends. These were the more popular girls (especially Ryan) and none of them really talked to me in high school. It was interesting to see them 10 years later, after graduation. Apparently, all of them (except Michelle) got married, had a five year old, and then got divorced and not talking to me in a bar with bad karaoke in the background. I didn’t really know what to talk about, it’s not like I really had allot in common with these girls. I would have to admit, they all looked pretty good, but so does just about any girl with clothes on with straps and hooks and tape to hide the fat. By the time those girls got there, B and I we’re REALLY drunk, I could barely see straight, much less hold a conversation. I managed to scoot my way over beside Michelle to ask her if she wanted to hang out sometime and catch up on what everyone from high school was doing. I got her cellular number and called her on Monday for some coffee, but she never called me back. Why does that not surprise me?

I haven’t heard from Jen lately, well, I should say that she has called and text me on several occasions, but I never text her back unless absolutely necessary. My soul darkens with loneliness and the need to share my life with someone, but I just want it to be with the right person. There is no way for me to tell who is right for me, other than trial by error. (Their must be a better way.) Jens b-day was on Sunday, I got her a card and I discreetly dropped it off in her mailbox the day before. I hope she is doing ok, I hope that she is getting her life together; I hope that she is learning some independence. I think the thing that bothers me the most is knowing that I have to answer to someone when in a relationship. I like to feel like I am free, like I could go to the beach or the mountains whenever I want without having to ‘let someone know’. Last time I actually answered to someone was when I lived with my parents, and considering I ran away from home, I apparently didn’t like answering to people then either. It’s just a fact; women are emotional, not logical. No better example would be Donice (25yo.), the pregnant girl at work. She started having morning sickness and threw up in her trash can at work one day. She instantly started crying, probably from embarrassment. Just from spending time with her at work, I know that I don’t think I could tolerate a woman in this state for nine months. Moody, unforgiving, demanding, emotionally unstable, and all of those features on accomplished on the highest level. I think that all women have those traits, but only on a medium level; pregnancy throws that into overdrive and makes them completely irrational. I mean, REALLY irrational! Like I said, not something I really want to deal with.

Maybe I am supposed to be alone; maybe I am not supposed to find anyone. Maybe I am supposed to feel this deepening dark loneliness that surrounds my soul and fuels my creative side. Maybe the greatness that befalls me is for me and me alone. Maybe…….just maybe, but I don’t want to make it all alone. Sometimes I get so lonely that I don’t care who I am around, just as long as they are around. (Usually resulting in me hanging out with someone that I don’t need to be talking to.) Sometimes I end up at Jon’s & B’s, but that is usually only entertaining if you want to veg-out in front of the TV or suck smoke through a pipe, besides the fact that they are guys, definitely lacking in the hugging and cuddle factor, but If I hang with women (usually ex-girlfriends) they talk and talk and talk about gossip or feelings or situations or other peoples situations. Not exactly how I like to spend my time.