Aw man, I dont know

Aw man I don’t know what it is lately, I have been so tired, I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep and my back kinda hurts all the time. I wonder if it has something to do with walking all the time on that concrete floor at Lowe’s. You know, the only carpet in Lowe’s is on a shelf somewhere for someone to buy.

The job is still going pretty good. Weird inconsistent hours, but other than that, pretty cool. They keep putting me in the section of the store that houses all the tools (indubitably called Tool World) with this other guy named Matt. I think they think it’s kind of funny (my fellas in Hardware, across the isle), but Tool World is a mess. There is shit stuffed in cubbyholes that never made it to the shelf and wrappers from things that were stolen. At least most of the tools are sectioned apart (like screwdrivers are sectioned from saws), but they are all mixed up and inventory is way off. Besides that, Tool World is kinda small and lots of stuff, so they store some of the bigger items on other isles on the top shelf (which is 50ft. in the air). Try getting down a 200lb. saw on a rickety ladder from 50ft. up in the air, because they guy with the forklift is nowhere to be found, while answering questions from other patrons waiting in the mist looking to you for hope through the endless sea of plastic, wood, and metal home improvement genocide of modern America. At least it hasn’t been boring yet, even if it means I have to take dangerous chances that I even sometimes lose. Result: I already sliced open my finger while dropping a 3ft. by 4ft. piece of aluminum and some other minor bump and scrapes.

I think I’m going to get a haircut today, I surly need it, and all my gray hair is getting longer and more noticeable. I was thinking of dying it, maybe a really dark auburn red/brown (like it was when I was about 20), but I am not so sure I will such a positive reaction from work. I’m sure most of the macho homophobic men that work there would rib me about it.

Alecia started on the pill about a month ago, as we were discussing it a few nights ago. She mentioned that her boobs got fuller and I couldn’t resist a feel for myself. They have actually become fuller, like maybe even a cup size. I didn’t really get a chance to examine them in the light, as most of the night was spent watching television with my hands up her shirt. Mmmm, thoughts of her in a string bikini running through my mind, perhaps in a nice Wicked Weasel suit… She and I have been talking a lot about moving-in together. She thinks that it will take about two months for us to save up enough money, but I think it will take a lot less. I have to admit, the idea of us living together really gives me warm feelings. It just seems right. I think that she may be the one, the for real one. She has voiced some concern in the past about all the times I have said that about the girls in the past, but this is different. It’s a different kind of feeling.

Nick finally issued some divorce papers and mailed them from Vermont to Rebecca to sign and get notarized. She signed them and mailed them back, but Nick had to mail them back to the Hampton’s because she didn’t notarize them. He is still waiting to here back from her. It’s still a little weird for me, I mean, I was at their wedding, I took pictures; that was only less than a year ago, besides, he’s my brother.

a briefing

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here and write more often, things around here have been a little crazy with the new job and all. Yep, that’s right, I finally got a new job! I now work in the hardware department at Lowe’s (home improvement). It’s only about a mile down the road and look forward to riding a bike down there from time to time to save on gas. (gas is about $2.85/gal. right now, but it has gone up $0.10 in the last week.)

The job if fairly easy, although getting through training was a bitch. I took about 27 tests in a four day time period and have 90 days to complete the last 4, and they (of course) are on a wide variety of subjects; ranging from safety requirements for all the heavy machinery, to how to treat the customers. A few annoying inconveniences about the place: can’t smoke on the property (not even the parking lot, I have to walk across the street.); no piercing other than ears and those can only be studs (no hoops). Other than that, they have an excellent 401k and it does pay a dollar more than my last job at Dialog Telecommunications. Most of the guys I work with are a little older (lets just say that they all have gray hair) and seem pretty cool. Overall the company looks solid and their intentions seem good, I am starting to wonder what the catch is. A couple of the things that suck besides all the testing; every night I have come home completely exhausted and my feet killing me. There is a hell of a lot of walking, climbing, lifting, and moving. When I am not putting something on the shelf, I am walking a customer across the store or making copies of keys or straightening up the shelves, and not to mention almost a constant barrage of questions from customers. At least with all the running around, it will probably be easy to stay in shape.

I finally heard back from the financial aid people; they evidently thought that I made too much money last year so they declined my request for funds. [$19,354 is too much? Less money = no apartment + no gas + no phone + no food! So I have to make less money? I don’t think that would be possible and me keep my sanity.] Anyway, I went up to the South Campus of CPCC to speak with financial aid, the woman at the campus gave me some other form that I filled out for a different grant, but it kinda dawned on me on the way home from the school, what if I don’t get a grant at all? Whoa, didn’t really think about that. What then? …
… it’s intresting to experience Financial Aid for the first time, and what I have learned so far is that the system sucks. All the paper work and weeks of waiting are really a waste of time, with a few modifications I am sure we could work out an online system, without having to go get transcripts and high school diplomas and tax forms.

Uhg, telephone, Kingsley calling about the Ultimate Gym web site. Gotta go for now, will try to get back later.

The Butterfly

For most of my life cold dreary clouds of despair hovered over my head, reminding me of my exclusion form the rest of society. Like a mysterious thunderstorm that rolled in over my head from the time I awoke in the morning to the time I went to sleep at night, this shape shifting fog would rain it’s freezing rain and misery, washing a title wave of depression and self loathing over my soul. As a child I strained to fit in, but always was the last one picked. As I grew older to my teen years my segregation from the common thought and common path grew stronger and further from reach. Even only up to a short time ago, my disheartening haze seemed to twist and turn my essence into a dying lifeless rock. A contemptuous and wasteful shell of what I only wished it would be and never thought that it to be repairable, until I met Alecia. I can almost taste nature’s sweet honeysuckle on my lips when she kisses them, as the grey cloud of confusion and frustration begins to clear. A bright and almost blinding light starts to peep through the clouds; forcing my mind to shade it’s eyes from the purity of the clarity. New feelings emerge, new desires and goals. My soul feels as if is awaking from a deep depressing sleep; stretching it’s arms and arching it’s back in the warm glow of the light. Releasing all if it’s tension and insecurities inscribed into it by the many passing years of fooling myself into seclusion. Like a butterfly from a cocoon, a new soul appears; revamped, collected and driven by the need to succeed and please the only essence that could possibly turn this emotional and unguided train wreck into positive enforcement. It brings a tear to my eye with the mere thought of never seeing her again, and the cloud hovers, but at a distance as I try to grasp onto the contemplation of us growing old together, and a warmness fills my heart again. If pixie dust and a happy thought were all you needed to fly, all I would need would be a pixie. Her loving touches to her sensual kisses fill my mind almost every minute of the day. As if she were sent from the heavens just for me, I would do anything for her, just to be with her, just to hold hands with her…to feel her lips upon mine…to grow old with her.