My big mouth

And yet another night of romance was destroyed by my big mouth or my insensitivity……or is it that someone else is being too sensitive? I don’t exactly remember what I said, but I remember the look on her face when I said it. I remember how the air in the room became very thin and seemed to wrap its cold hands around my neck as the words left my lips.

The thoughts are a little foggy in my mind, but I think she said something like “you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to…” as she slowly trickled her hands all over my bare skin; and I remember something along the lines of, “that’s silly, you are over thinking…” as we continued to kiss.

And that is when the bomb was dropped, the mood was changed, we lay together naked on the bed, holding each other, she began to cry, I still don’t know why, and then she wanted to go home.

I tried to find out, I tried to understand, but she just wouldn’t tell me what I did. She wouldn’t talk about it like most situations that make her uncomfortable; she clams up and recedes behind a wall of silence and a sulking.

I just want her to be happy. I try SO HARD to please her, to be the ‘perfect guy’, to make her want me. I try to fill her with confidence and the feeling that she can depend on me, but I get so many mixed signals from her. I know she cares, but how much? In what aspect? Is it Love, or is it Lust for her? Am I the ‘perfect guy’ for her? If so, why? What makes me so perfect? What makes me so imperfect? What does she want to change about me? Am I doing something wrong? Is it me or is it her? Is she just not choosy? Does she just want someone to fill an empty void in her heart or does she truly Love me? Am I now the one ‘over thinking’ the situation? Am I crazy, am I the problem? Is it all my fault,…..all the time?