What IS Love?

A conversation about Love Alecia and I had a few nights ago...

She said, “Love doesn't fit into words for one thing, infatuation does however. Maybe that's how it starts, but then becomes so much more, any words just fall short of what it really is and the way it changes you from who you were into somebody new.”

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I said, “I think maybe a simple way to put it; I think Love is when you unconsciously start using ‘we’ instead of ‘I’.”

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She said, "Just like you mentioned the ‘I’ becoming ‘we’ thing, you know? Perhaps "Love" is more of an action than a word; it can't properly be described. Maybe you can't even really tell someone that you love them, you can only show them. Hmmmm...still pondering..."

-Alecia

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If anyone has a reply or a good explination of what Love is or how to describe it, please feel free to leave comments on this entry....

Tis' the season...

I got allot of catching up to do, so prepare yourself;

Well, Christmas has come and gone, but we are still on the downward hump toward New Years. Christmas was great; Alecia came with me to Kelly’s for Christmas breakfast and opening of presents. I tried to take allot of pictures for another slideshow, but I was a little preoccupied with the massive destruction of wrapping paper and bows alike. Nick didn’t make it until that night, but at least he has been in town for the last five days; he will be going back to Vermont Saturday early morning.

Christmas morning was the best feeling, although getting up at 7 am wasn’t exactly pleasant, waking up with Alecia made the morning much more tolerable. I guess I got a little too greedy this year and kind of feel bad about not really putting a whole lot of thought into my gifts (gift certificates for everyone). Never-the-less, this is what I got; Toboggan and Chap-Stick (from Alecia), $50 certificate to electronic store in Vermont (from Nick) [which I spent on new headphones for my iPod. Second generation iPod headphones with noise reduction – they sound great!], Spiderman football and Spiderman nightlight (from Jimmy), and the iHome Radio System (from Mom / Dad & Kelly). Of course, none of my friends got me anything, not even a batch of cookies or a couple beers. Kevin and Lisa got me a metal ‘alcoholic drink mixer’ and a ‘how to-mixed drink’ book (which I re-gifted and gave to Jimmy as his present). After all the presents were opened, we all ate breakfast and swapped stories about stupid stuff we did as kids. That night when Nick got into town, we (Alecia and I) went over to Mom and Dads to have Christmas dinner. I think Alecia was a little overwhelmed at first by all the ‘brotherly and sisterly love’ that was going around (usually consisting of us telling embarrassing stories about each other with a small side of arguments). Overall Christmas was pretty good. I got to spend it with my Honey, I got some good stuff, ate allot and spent some quality time with some family. That is what the Holidays are all about, I guess.

I went to the Yellow Rose last night with Nick and played some random guys in pool. I tried to lay low and not shark them, but I couldn’t help myself. A couple times I forgot what I was doing and would start getting too many balls in (like a 5-7 ball run), my semi-drunk and slightly retarded opponent started to figure out I was putting him on (and seeing as he was double my age and size, I had to lighten up a little or worry about some broken fingers). Anyway, it was good to play some pool with my bro and shoot the shit, and it’s been a while since I’ve seen him in person considering he lives in Vermont. He is going to Boston for New Years, too bad I don’t have the money, or I would go with him for the weekend.

As far as what I will be doing for New Years, I have no idea. I know Kelly’s B-day is coming up on 01/04, and Alecia’s birthday isn’t that far behind, but I just can’t remember exactly what day. I have no idea on what to give either of them. Honestly I am kind of ‘shopped out’ from Christmas for the time being.

Hustle & Bustle Bitches!

Last night, Jimmy (my new roommate), creepily (acting like a cute baby, but coming across as a child molester) hands me two presents which I graciously accept and put them under the palm tree next to me. He asked, “Well, aren’t you going to open them?” “Not until Christmas.” I said. So then he stomps off pouting. Of course I knew exactly what is in the packages as soon as I touched them. A football (I like the Panthers, but I have touched a football about twice in my life.) and a pair of shitty ass headphones [to the right]-(What makes headphones shitty? Basically it’s the amount of foam around the ears and bass response. Good headphones don’t have foam and usually encase the whole ear to reduce ambient noise.)

You know, I don’t ask for much for Christmas: a motorcycle, an iPod, ok-ok-ok maybe that is a little too much; but headphones and a toboggan aren’t exactly difficult. I would think that someone would shell out at least $20 for a set of good headphones, but around Christmas, it’s all about making sure that EVERYONE gets at least SOMETHING, even though most people end up ‘giving away’ (re-gifting) or ‘throwing away’ half of the crap they get around the holidays.

Someone needs to invent a consignment place that will exchange just about anything for cash. I guess that would be called a Pawn Shop, but Pawn shops don’t take crappy headphones or footballs (which both things can be bought together for less than $10 at just about anywhere, and is probably the reason why Pawn shops don’t accept them.)

Christmas just keeps growing and growing each year, it’s pretty sad. Growing in the corporate ‘buy-buy-buy’ way and ‘hustle and bustle’ way, but not in ‘holiday cheer’ or ‘kindness to man and child’ way. The only time that I actually get the ‘Christmas warm and fuzzies’ is when it’s actually Christmas day, after all the presents, when everyone is just sitting around in the sea of wrapping paper and gifts, sipping coffee or eggnog, and listening to Christmas music at 8am.

Wierd Weekend

What a freaking weird ass weekend.

Let’s see, where ever do I begin?
Friday:
Friday was good; Alecia spent the night, as usual. I am really starting to enjoy sleeping with her on the weekends. It gives me something to look forward during the week. I just can’t get enough rolling over and wrapping my arm around her as I bury my face in neck and hair taking in her wonderful scent. I could spend a lifetime cuddled up next to her in the mornings.

Shopping is getting exponentially and increasingly hectic, what do you expect, it’s the Holiday season, and Christmas is still a week away. Listening to my iPod makes it a little easier to shop, I don’t have to listen to that blasted Holiday music; but I lost my toboggan, which I have had for years, in Target. Maybe someone will get me a cool one for Christmas…. Hint hint hint.

Saturday:
Saturday was Kevin & Lisa’s Christmas party. Alecia came with me, amazingly, and we were the first ones there; the way I planned it since Alecia gets so nervous about meeting new people. She and I drank two bottles of wine by the time everyone else showed up, that was a big mistake…..well, actually, eating the spinach dip after the wine was a mistake. Mixing all that sour cream and wine was not good, and made me sick within minutes. Everyone said that I turned white as a sheet as I ran off to the bathroom to vomit. After that, I was pretty much done for, and had to lie down. Alecia managed to stumble into the room and quickly passed out beside me soon after that. I was extremely embarrassed, not from my friends, but to let Alecia see me as a ‘crawling on the floor’ drunk. Anyway, it started sleeting, so we ended up bolting around midnight hoping we wouldn’t get caught in the ice.

Sunday:
Well, what can I say? Minus a futile trip to Lowe’s and Home Depot for this mysterious plant present, Sunday was great. The morning filled with the scent of Alecia and sex filled the air and we pretty much relaxed all day. We didn’t do anything, it was great. Later that evening, memories of the best BJ that I have ever had, still float through my mind. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not all about the sex, but wow! Awesome!

Matt’s Dream Christmas List:
-Wireless Bluetooth Headphones

-Cool Toboggan

-Ducati Monster (any year)

-60gig Video iPod

I'm a Computer Genius?

May be it’s just the Holiday season, but everyone seems to irritate the hell out of me lately. At least everyone that is older and uneducated. Like, for example, last night I attended a focus group for web developers and web designers at Lebowitz Research. There were 6 of us in the room; I was categorized as being a ‘hobbyist’ for web development because it is not my primary income. Anyway, they asked us all kinds of questions about how we developed web sites and what programs we used. Most of the people were over the age of 40, except for this girl straight out of college and me. The older people in the crowd seemed to have problems integrating or realizing how to use other programs to get the results they were expecting for pictures and text. The younger crowd (little Ms. Education and I) were more about functionality and program integration across different platforms and different media. Well, we sat there and answered all kinds of questions for two hours, pretty basic questions too. Finally, our host (who reminded me of an annoying car salesman) pushed his product from Microsoft, pre-made web templates for the general public to make Personal Web Sites, Club Sites, eCommerce and a Time Tracker Site. Basically, three features that enable the general public with the capabilities of doing something that they should be paying someone else for.

Anyway, getting back to my main point; the people in the group, they didn’t know anything about computers. They seemed like sheep just following a herder. 90% of the group used internet and word processing, but knew nothing about Torrent downloads Pirating music and movies, programming, or information management. Maybe I am supposed to just teach people how to use their computers. I could teach them what their machines can really do, but people want something done for free and fast and effortlessly. Talking about the stupidity of mankind just makes me so frustrated and disappointed.

Finally Free!

Free! Finally free. Free from Jenny, I cut all ties from her today. I disconnected ‘our’ family plan on my cel phone account. Feels good, like I can move on; some would even say it’s “closure”.

Love is a fickle

Love is a fickle thing. Love is something that everyone searches for, but no one knows what it looks like or where to find it. No one knows what shape Love is or what color it comes in. Love cannot be bought at a store, but can be given as a gift. Love has been written about, sung about, drawn, sculpted, made movies about and wars fought over; but no one can appropriately describe what it feels like. Love is intangible, but humans relate to it with physical contact. Love is something that tantalizes anyone’s five senses, but not one sense alone can distinguish Love. No single person can tell when they are in Love, although all of their friends can see it written all over his or her face.

Love to me runs close with passion. When I kiss her I feel as if I am going to melt all over her wonderful body. I have stretched my neck further and cramped my back on the worlds’ most uncomfortable couch just to lay with her. I have broken speeding laws, ran stop signs and red lights to see her just five or ten minutes sooner. I have hurdled over furniture and knocked people down just to catch my phone in time to speak with her. I have stood in 35 degree weather, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, waiting for her to arrive. I have gone without sleep for three days, just so she would not have to leave my side for a few nights. I feel I am lost when I am not with her and incoherently dazed with constant bombardment of sights and sound of her when she is around. Thoughts of her looking into my eyes as I get lost in hers; I never grow tired of staring at her, taking all of her beauty in. Thoughts of us holding each other, thoughts of us kissing, thoughts of us making love by candle light.

GO PANTHERS! GO PANTHERS! GO PANTHERS! GO PANTHERS!

Panthers vs. Tampa Bay; we lost (20 to 30). Which is a bummer, but I got to go to my first NFL game. Jason, my old roommate, promised me when we were living together that he would take me to a game one day and yesterday was that day.

The breeze was blowing and the sun was shining, but it was still a little cold standing outside the stadium drinking beer and stuffing my face at 10:30 in the morning. Jason and I shuffled into the stadium right as they were announcing the players for each team. The seat were about on the 40 yard line, about midway up on the second level; they weren't spectacular seats, but defiantly worth the $15 for parking I paid. The stadium is massive, although after witnessing how many people actually came to watch the game (Charlotte has the 2nd best attendance for an NFL team) I could understand why they needed so much space. Vendors selling all sorts of things kept coming by and I just couldn't help myself, I ate junk food and beer pretty much the whole game. By third quarter, Panthers were losing, we were drunk and fat so we decided to bounce a little early to avoid the traffic. Unfortunately half the stadium had the same idea, so it took us about an hour to get out onto the open road. All and all it was one of the best days I have had in a long time yuckin' it up with old friends, filling my belly and and an afternoon of drunk yelling at football.

Saturday, the day before, was the (mom's side of the family) Christmas dinner at my Cousin's house. It was the first time we all have had the dinner at his house, and everyone got lost on the way there. All the regular Powell family was there, buck toothed and very religious, meanwhile I am just there for the food and tolerating the company; but it wasn't all bad. It was good to see some of the extended family and catch up with everyone. It was amazing to see how grown up all the kids and grandkids have become. Like most family gatherings, we all mingled, we all laughed, we all ate, then we all handed out useless trinkets to everyone (mainly the kids got stuff, and unfortunately I guess I don't qualify as a kid anymore, not that I am greedy but it would have been nice to get at least a $5 gift card). I will try to remember to create a web page and include a link to the pictures I took [click here].

I am starting to feel bad about Christmas shopping. I don't get paid a whole lot at Dialog, so therefore I don't exactly have a whole lot of funds to be throwing around for presents. I really would love to buy Alecia something really nice, but I just don't know where I can get the money for it. Besides that, I wouldn't even know where to start as far as what type of gift. She mentioned something about pajamas, but I don't want to be obvious of what I am going to get her. I know she likes to read science fistion novels, I think that might be my best bet. As far as the rest of my family, I have no idea where to begin. I bought a few $20 gift cards and a few T-shirts from Old Navy and that should take care of my friends, but that still leaves Parents, Brother, and Alecia. Tis the season.....HoHoHo.

Last night was great, even though I had to wake up at 6am to take Alecia home, it was the bomb.

Still being a little uneasy about the blog, I picked Alecia up after I got off work and we went to go get a couple bottles of wine. After the quick stop by H.T. we went home so she could watch Survivor and I could work on KDH Law website. After a few glasses of wine we were both a little inebriated and decided we both needed a little 'R&R'. Just the sheer fact that we seem to be able to read each others minds are amazing, she never seems to cease to amaze me. We had a wonderful night together of messing up my bed. It looked like a bomb exploded in my room in the morning, it was great. Quite possibly the most sensual, sexy, powerful, spiritual, grinding, life changing experience I have ever had. It was so good, we had to do it again. Afterwards, we were exhausted and it felt so good to have her laying beside me, I just didn't want her to go home. So she spent the night and I had to wake up around 6am to take her home. I immediately came directly back home and went back to bed. I can barely keep my eyeballs open, but I have a smile on my face....

**Note to self: In the one in a million chance that you are lucky enough to get within reaching distance of your shooting star, grab it and hang on for dear life and never let go.

Well, I guess the cat is out of the bag. Last night Alecia told me that she found my blog over three weeks ago and that she read everything on it. I didn't really know what to say; I was kind of speechless. Seeing as she kept it from me for three weeks, I don't know if she has any problems with anything she read, or what she thinks about it. I am still kind of in the dark about the whole thing. She said that she did feel bad about keeping it from me for so long, and I am glad that she did finally tell me....Instead of acting surprised when I finally did show her. I guess it really couldn't have happened any other way. I guess deep down I wanted her to find it and read it all because I probably wouldn't have been confident enough to show her on my own considering a lot of it is kind of embarrassing. So now she knows, she probably is reading this right now, but never-the-less, I can't exactly be mad at her. If the tables were turned and I found her diary, I would read it and not tell her.

The cat is out of the bag...

Welcome to two months of Christmas!

So, it is now December, and Christmas commercials struck the airways the second after Thanksgiving ended. At this rate Christmas is going to start in July pretty soon.

It is raining, like African rainforest down-pour, for the last two days. Temperatures seem to be plummeting lately with signs of winter moving in.

I spent all weekend with Alecia. What can I say about her? How can I possible put into words how I feel about Alecia? Well, number one, she has got to be the greatest girlfriend that I have ever had. She brought me roses on Sunday, a first in my life that a woman actually brought me flowers. She is wonderfully attractive with a killer body and a gorgeous face that I could stare at for hours. She has a gentle touch, but knows how to be rough when the opportunity arises. Skin so smooth that my hands seems to glide over her body. It is almost unfair in my mind that I have to have this disease, and she does not. I honestly can't imagine finding anyone better than her. The physical and mental connection that I feel with her is like no other. It feels like I can almost read her mind, and she seems to be able to almost read mine. By far, the most interesting and captivating thing that I find about Alecia, is her spirit; her ora, if you will. Through the first half of my entire life I walked around in a deep darkness of depression and exclusion from the rest of the world. I never felt like I belonged anywhere or that no one understood me. All of my fears and thoughts of exile and loneliness fade away when I hold her in my arms or stare into her beautiful eyes. She rekindles my spirit and fuels my ambitions; she is always on my mind, and fills my head with thoughts of everlasting love. My heart aches with the thought of being without her, and my soul seems to shiver from the possibility that she may not feel the same. I cannot sleep, I have a difficult time keeping my appetite, and I can't stop thinking about her. The way she stares at me, the way her hair smells as we lay together on the sofa and watch TV as I drift off to sleep. Thoughts of the way she tugs on my lips with her teeth, and our outrageous and ridiculous conversations out on the back porch about everything and yet nothing at all. The way she shivers when I kiss her behind her ear, how she is so selective when picking out wine, and yes, even her strange but cute rebellion against cheese. Am I?....Is this?.....Dare I even say the 'L' word? Am I jumping in with both feet prematurely? Does she feel the same? Am I the right one? Is she?