Happy Halloween! Guess all the witches and ghouls are coming out of the woodwork lately...

**Quick Update** Last week; I wrote about some arguments in the group, those got worked out without fists being thrown. At the begining of the month I met some girls from high school, called them and they never returned my call. Jen is still leaving messages, although they are few and far between.

So, where ever do I begin?
I met this girl on Yahoo Personals; unfortunately she shares the same last name as my last girlfriend (Jen, but for this conversations sake, we will call her Jennifer). So, this girl Jennifer has a 5 year old son, conceived from his father in the Netherlands when she went to go Live there for 5 years. Anyway, we have gone on only two 'dates' (although I wouldn't consider them dates, more like preliminary meetings).
I called a friend of mine (who happened to be a girl) and left a message that I would be online that night and it would be cool if we could catch up with each other in the game. Well, I called the wrong number; I called Jennifer instead, and left the formentioned message about online gaming. After I got home there was a message on my Yahoo from Jennifer saying I left the message at the wrong house. The next day, I went over to Jon's to play more on World Of Warcraft, while we were sitting there Jennifer calls my cellular phone and starts leaving messages about how she doesn't understand how people can do this to her and bawling her eyes out. Seventeen messages to be exact, which filled up my mailbox twice; can anyone say psycho? The first message was fine; the second she started crying, the third she 'didn't understand why I was doing this to her'. The fourth through eighth she was bawling her eyes out asking 'why I hate her' and so on so forth. Needless to say, the woman needs some therapy. I called her phone (after I noticed a nasty email from her this morning) during break, basically telling her she can forget about calling me anymore and she needs therapy.

I have also been talking to this other girl over the IM and Yahoo Personals. Alecia is her name and she is a nurse at a diabetes center. She seems really nice, but REALLY sketched about actually meeting people in person that she has met over Yahoo Personals. Anyway, she is an avid World Of Warcraft player, and I am just a novice considering I just started two days ago. We have talked on the phone on several occations, but I am getting a little impatient waiting for her to get the confidence to meet in person.

What the hell is wrong with all these girls? Is it something to do with me? The last three girlfriends I have had it's like pulling teeth to get them to go out with me, but then they 'fall in love' within a week! (And people say that I am shallow?) If this is what I have to deal with to be with a woman; I don't want to put up with it. Pussy is not worth the drama.

Lots of drama over the weekend.

One of our friends, (Rick) is getting married soon, so we had a little Bachelor Party Saturday night. The fellas: Rick, Gideon, Preston, Kenny, Brian, Kaden, Jon, and I; all rented a hotel room and attended a strip club (all nude) in South Carolina. Now before any of this happened, last week the shit hit the fan and I didn’t even know it.
Turns out that Rick (The guy that is getting married next week) was speaking with one of his friends over the Instant Messenger about Gideon’s long-time girlfriend; about some really graphic stuff like them going out in high school (which is a lie) and how he would like to suck on those big boobs, not to mention some of the more graphic things he said. For some reason he left the house, and left the IM window open. Mel (Rick’s girlfriend and fiancé) came home with the girls (Carolyn [Jon’s wife] & Crystal [Gideon’s long time girlfriend]) and saw what Rick was writing about Crystal. Mel even was able to print out a transcript about the conversation and they all sat there reading it word for word. Mel, probably feeling embarrassed and used, told the other two girls to keep it a secret. So Carolyn and Crystal lied for Mel for the last week about the situation, but eventually Jon and Gideon started to figure out that something was up. Jon grilled Carolyn, and she sung like a little birdie. Jon was infuriated and was thinking of taking Rick out himself, but decided to take a more civilized approach. So once the word was out, it spread quickly between the other friends in our group. So we were on the way to the Hotel on Saturday night when I was told all of this; we later picked up Gideon, and let him know what was going on. On the way over there, we all planned on how we were going to get the truth out of Rick. We all agreed that if he wasn’t going to be honest about it and at least admit it, he should be out friend and would not be welcomed by the ‘group’. We all played it cool, like we didn’t know, but didn’t get a chance to test the waters to see if he was going to own up to it. Unfortunately, the night ended (around 7am) without any resolution on the subject, so I am curious to know how exactly this all is going to pan out. I will have to check back with them in a few days to see how that turns out.

Kaden (Carolyn’s little 18 year old brother) had never been to a strip club before, so it was an interesting experience to see. The club was about the size of a Cracker Jack box, and the stage took up half of the room. The lighting was horrible, too many black lights and not enough normal lighting, and the place over all was very scummy. It had a nice mix of girls, black and white mainly, but only two were really worth looking at. We all pooled out money together ($45) to get Kaden a nude dance, and we made sure to pick the girl with the most tattoos and piercing so we could be rest assured that it would be something that he would never forget. She came over, grabbed him, and they were off to the VIP room. When he came back, he was speechless. He was fumbling over chairs and running into people. It was pretty funny, and we all had a laugh about his facial expression, and he said that she did things that he didn’t even expect, so I made sure I slipped her a few extra bucks as we were leaving just to say thanks.

I have been thinking about Jenny lately. I got some quality time with Carolyn and Crystal, they were telling me a little back ground on what the girls have talked about in the past. It’s difficult for me to understand why I can’t stop thinking about Jenny. I have tried to keep my distance from her, tried not to talk to her unless absolutely possible, but that doesn’t seem to get her out of my thoughts. I don’t know if it’s just because I long for someone’s touch, or that I just need to know deep down that someone is there for me. I do know that it is very unusual to find someone that has unquestionable love for you, and I don’t know if I am making a mistake by keeping my distance. I know that their have been times between her and I that I adore and have never felt so connected with a person, but I still hurt inside from the time that she decided to go back to Ben (her husband). I understand that if I was in that position, I would have wanted to make sure that I was not making a mistake, but I would have gone about it a little differently; although I guess that’s what you get from experience. I think the only was that I can truly have my feeling trust her, is if Ben is completely out of the picture. I am willing to give it another chance and try again, but not if she is still married. She needs to work through that on her own; I need to make sure that it is something that she truly wants to do for herself, and not for someone else. I don’t know if I should talk to her, I don’t know if we should cuddle (though I want to badly). I don’t know if we should have sex, even though I know her getting pregnant would destroy the lie that she has not been cheating on Ben, but it is SO good. Things that I didn’t think were possible, or didn’t even know I could do, we have accomplished. I just don’t know, the future is so hazy. What to do...What to do...

So let me just start off by including what I usually do with my weekends lately. Pretty much waking up around 8-9, fixing a pot of coffee and sitting in my room because jimmy usually isn't up until after noon. With the TV on, sit on my bed in front of my wireless laptop in my 15x13 foot cube. (At least their is a window.) Usually Mad TV is on, the characters 'Stewart and his mother'’ are hilarious. Not that I choose to do that, but it'’s not really like I have something else to so on Saturday morning at 10:00am. It's actually pretty boring.
I really need a fisheye lens so I wouldn't have to piece together the parts of 16 to make an extended panoramic picture...

On a side thought,...I guess it'’s pretty understandable to think that no one likes to be rejected, Male or Female. I don't like rejection, but have experienced it a lot, I guess. I didn't really have a whole lot of friends when I was in high school, I think it was a esteemteame issue. So that being said, I probably didn't really try, although girls weren't exactly calling me back either. Now during my early 20'’s I was just getting back from a whirlwind trip around Texas, via Memphis Tennessee bodatiousdatious-blue eyed-36C blond with and attitude, so I didn'’t exatcly know how to get back into the dating scean. I managed to find new friends and spend some time in community collage, some adventures and relationships there; but now that I an in my late 20's, it really makes me wonder how long I am going to have to wait for something to happen.

Today is Wednesday, Yea! LOST comes on tonight, I seem to be hooked on that show.

I haven’t seen my roommate in, I think, four days. He started his new job, working from 5pm-2am, so I barely see him, mainly just on the weekends. I am not exactly disappointed considering last weekend he came home with one of his dates and started hitting on me. Not something that I let get carried away, besides the fact that I am not gay, he is dating someone; well, dating several people. Yuck! I could not imagine making out with a guy. Jimmy and I were talking a few nights ago, swapping stories. I asked him, “How do you know you are gay?” I told him that I could never kiss a guy, and never ‘cuddle’ with a guy….yuck! I think it’s a hair thing; I just can’t stand a whole lot of hair. Jimmy assured me I was not gay.

I was at They Yellow Rose on Sat. night with B, when Ryan / Megan / Renee & Michelle (the twins) walked into the bar. These are old friends from high school, well, I wouldn’t call them friends. These were the more popular girls (especially Ryan) and none of them really talked to me in high school. It was interesting to see them 10 years later, after graduation. Apparently, all of them (except Michelle) got married, had a five year old, and then got divorced and not talking to me in a bar with bad karaoke in the background. I didn’t really know what to talk about, it’s not like I really had allot in common with these girls. I would have to admit, they all looked pretty good, but so does just about any girl with clothes on with straps and hooks and tape to hide the fat. By the time those girls got there, B and I we’re REALLY drunk, I could barely see straight, much less hold a conversation. I managed to scoot my way over beside Michelle to ask her if she wanted to hang out sometime and catch up on what everyone from high school was doing. I got her cellular number and called her on Monday for some coffee, but she never called me back. Why does that not surprise me?

I haven’t heard from Jen lately, well, I should say that she has called and text me on several occasions, but I never text her back unless absolutely necessary. My soul darkens with loneliness and the need to share my life with someone, but I just want it to be with the right person. There is no way for me to tell who is right for me, other than trial by error. (Their must be a better way.) Jens b-day was on Sunday, I got her a card and I discreetly dropped it off in her mailbox the day before. I hope she is doing ok, I hope that she is getting her life together; I hope that she is learning some independence. I think the thing that bothers me the most is knowing that I have to answer to someone when in a relationship. I like to feel like I am free, like I could go to the beach or the mountains whenever I want without having to ‘let someone know’. Last time I actually answered to someone was when I lived with my parents, and considering I ran away from home, I apparently didn’t like answering to people then either. It’s just a fact; women are emotional, not logical. No better example would be Donice (25yo.), the pregnant girl at work. She started having morning sickness and threw up in her trash can at work one day. She instantly started crying, probably from embarrassment. Just from spending time with her at work, I know that I don’t think I could tolerate a woman in this state for nine months. Moody, unforgiving, demanding, emotionally unstable, and all of those features on accomplished on the highest level. I think that all women have those traits, but only on a medium level; pregnancy throws that into overdrive and makes them completely irrational. I mean, REALLY irrational! Like I said, not something I really want to deal with.

Maybe I am supposed to be alone; maybe I am not supposed to find anyone. Maybe I am supposed to feel this deepening dark loneliness that surrounds my soul and fuels my creative side. Maybe the greatness that befalls me is for me and me alone. Maybe…….just maybe, but I don’t want to make it all alone. Sometimes I get so lonely that I don’t care who I am around, just as long as they are around. (Usually resulting in me hanging out with someone that I don’t need to be talking to.) Sometimes I end up at Jon’s & B’s, but that is usually only entertaining if you want to veg-out in front of the TV or suck smoke through a pipe, besides the fact that they are guys, definitely lacking in the hugging and cuddle factor, but If I hang with women (usually ex-girlfriends) they talk and talk and talk about gossip or feelings or situations or other peoples situations. Not exactly how I like to spend my time.

Well, the sunshine has finally broken through the clouds for a few minutes today. We had lunch catered today at work, from Mama Ricotta's. They brought some chicken alfredo and zitti with rolls and salads, I had some of the chicken alfredo but I think it has made me feel a little sick. My stomach is killing me, not to mention the numerous trips to the bathroom. I feel like shit, but I need the money....

I have been arguing with Jen lately about the Cigular bill that we share, she says that she should be able to pay it by friday, but it still worries me. I know she is responsible, but I am the type of guy that likes to drive everywhere. I like to feel like I have a handle on everything. Not necessarily BE IN control, just feel like I have some sort of control. So being that I am that way, it would really make me feel better if I had the back-up money just in case Jen can't pay the bill. We all know what an inconvienience not having a cel phone is (not to mention the astronimical fines they carge for reconnection fees). Jen and I seem to be at a stalemate right now. Seems bigger issues are hanging in the balance, possibly why my stomach hurts; from stress. Elvis is no where to be found, and that doesn't help either. Not to mention Jon is raping me about these updates and charges. Apparently I only get paid when someone purchases a site and he gets any other fees as far as hosting and he gives away free updates. It really burns me up, I need to get away from that deal with him. I can do what he does, their is NO reason why I should depend on his (so called) help....

Well, it is STILL raining, going on five days is a row so far. Their is a large tropical storm near the coast that is sending miscellaneous thunderstorms westward to the piedmont area of the Carolina's. At least the temperatures has cooled down, you would have to wear a jacket if you stepped outside right now; and that is a good alternative from sweating to death and 100% humidity.

Jen came over this weekend (Friday), to discuss what I wrote about her is previous posts on this Blog. Yea, I think I slipped up, I told her what the Blog was, so I am sure that she is checking just about everyday with anticipation of a new entry. She read the whole thing from beginning to end. It's so confusing to know where I stand with her, when she came over we went outside and talked about what I wrote. She said that she was a little peeved that all I talked about was sex. She said that it made her sound dirty and like a whore. Although, after our discussion and she was able to get some of her aggressions and concerns out, she looked me dead in the face and said "I just want to suck your dick." Which, of course, contradicts everything the just defended herself with. So, far be it for me to stop her, and of course that led to sex which was abruptly interrupted by the pizza man ringing the doorbell. We ate pizza, then she turns around to me and says that she wants to go out with the girls to a bar where she has good luck meeting guys (all said with the expression of 'I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is boring and I can go find entertainment elsewhere'). So she left. The next day (Sat.), she called and called and I was still feeling a little confused from the last nights actions, so I stayed in bed most of the day. Sunday was the Panthers Game (against the cardinals) and we won! I didn't hear from Jenny all day Sunday, nor have I heard from her today either.

I think that I have decided that it would just be better for us to part ways. No more sex, no more 'hanging out' (because that always leads to sex and I don't think that she can actually restrain herself). I can appreciate the fact that she says that I am the best she has ever had, and she is the best I have ever had, but I am looking for more than just a fuck-buddy. I am looking for a real connection, and chemical and physical connection. Jenny has one or the other, but never both at the same time, at least not anymore. Not since she moved out of my house and back with her husband. Maybe it's me, maybe I am finally starting to think with the right head?

Jen asked me what 'Love' was, or what I thought it was. I didn't really know how to answer that. I just sat there stupified by Jen's question. I asked her to 'define' love, she couldn't. I asked her if I could google it, but I never even got out of my chair. I told her that I thought I knew what it was, but all the times that I thought I was in love I was crushed by the other person deciding that they had bigger and better things to move onto. She said that we both made a mistake by telling each other that we 'loved' each other when we first started going out. (I said it because she said it. What is a guy supposed to do when a woman asks "you love me?" Say no, and never get laid; or feel pressured by the situation and consequences and say yes?)

Watching a comedy show last night, the comedian announced that all women were whores. After some disgruntled shouts from the audience, he started to explain: He asked, "If the ladies in the audience were to have a surgery to have their vagina's removed, how would they keep their men?" Some shouted, "blow Jobs", and others remarked "in the ass". The comedian shouted; "That's what I thought, all whores!" then continued "Not a single one of you said, learn to play XBOX, or go to a football game, or learn about cars." Basically my question is; If you can't be treated and respected as a friend, how do you expect to be treated with respect in a relationship? I am at the age that sex is not my most important priority, although the generation of women, around 30 or above, seem to be ticking like time bombs and can't wait to pop a couple kids out before they explode into menopause. I also think that I give some sense of false impression; just because I like to cuddle, doesn't mean I want to pick out curtains and have you move in. I like to take things slow and ease into a situation instead of being thrusted into it, which feels like jumping into traffic.

I don't really know what I am trying to say, just trying to get some thoughts out. I still haven't heard from Tara (in Florida) lately, I am concerned about her massage therapy final, I hope everything went ok.

Wow, I feel like crap today. It has rained for the past two days, some tropical storm from the coast floating over the inland. Hasn't made the weather cooler, just more humid and muggy.

Work is work. A call center is a call center, no matter how big or small. I come in, I answer phones and listen to people complain all day, then I leave. At least the people that I work with are a little more level headed than some of my previous co-workers. Last night, Norma (my boss)pulled me off to the side after my shift and showed me a ticket I sent in to activate phone service at an address that doesn't exist. I apologized and said that I didn't know what I was thinking, and tried to call the customer back to tell them that we can't activate them, but got no answer (not even an answering machine, or I would have left a message). I feel pretty bad about that, but after I wasn't able to reach the customer she gave me a speech about taking care of our customers and watching what we are doing on the computers. (this coming from the same person that laughs hysterically at you when someone says that they have a manager call, she is the manager, but doesn't take manager calls. In fact, none of the managers here take those type of calls. They just looks at you and tell you to just 'get rid of them'.) Typical hypocritical call center.

I heard from Tara last night, finally. It has been a few weeks since she told me that she would be moving in with this guy she met in Florida. That's too bad, but it's not like I could really try to date her anyway, she is 800 miles away. I should be happy that she has found someone that makes her happy, but I can't help but feel a little jealous. She had time for just a few sentences in her email, about her anticipation of taking her final Massage Therapy Exam, and the fact that she found a coffee shop in Charlotte that sells her favorite coffee. I think I will go by there and get a pound of it and mail it to her, if I can possibly get her address...

Last night was good.

A few days ago, I called Jen to see if she wanted to talk (from a previously ignored text message that she sent me on my phone). No intentions to underlying plans (like getting laid); I didn't have any other alterior motives this time, I just wanted to see how she was doing (considering we used to date and she lived with me). So, she came over around seven, we sat outside for a few hours conversating, and "talkin' to elvis". She was telling me all about her adventures with all the new men she has been picking up in bars and online, and I actually started to feel jelous. I tried my best not to show it, not to let her think that she had the upperhand, considering the last month between us has not been that all peachy-keen. Of course, when she smokes a little, she has a tendacy not to know when to shut-up. She started to tell me a story about this girl that she met in a bar, much older than she is, and went on a motorcycle ride with this 'alternativly lifestyled' woman. Well, I won't give away all the details (sorry hornballs), but needless to say she got a little lesbian action. When she told me that, I couldn't keep my mouth shut, it just kinda hung open with my eyes wide. I wasn't astonished, just a little more intregued (even if it was with a ball busting butch biker bitch...) Of course, after the few hours of talking, we both had to let off some steam and 'took care of some business'. We tried a few diffrent moves, and it was awsome as usual. (she has never lacked in that area.)

So, Jon is breaking my balls tonight about updating one of our customer's websites. (the deal is that he is supposed to get me customers, and I would build their websites.) Anyway, a customer sent me an email about updating an employee profile on one of their pages, and they are over their four updates for a year so they should be charged. Jon spoke with the account holder and is going to give it to her for free because it is a 'typo error' done on their part, so they are just correcting their mistake. But I disagree, I think that they are over their 4 updates a year, so they should be charged (that is what proof readers are for). So, whatever, I did the chages anyway, and gave Jon some angry bullshit over the IM. That is just about all I can do about it right now, but later, you can bet that I will be getting up with him to renegotiate contract details.

My day job, is well...still filled with sounds of phones ringing of the hook and customers screaming about thier phones not working. All is the same in the call center world, no matter how big or how small.

So here it is, starting something new AGAIN. I had to delete my last blog, because I noticed a spelling error in the title name and could not figure out how to change it. (Something I think Blogger should work on) I think Blogger should also go through the accounts that are created and delete the ones that have not been edited in the last year, and free up some of unusued names that are not being updated. It took me an hour to find a name that was not used; 'greymattersplatters'.

aw man, my head is throbbing. Went to Yellow Rose last nice, played some pool but mostly drank beer. It has been about a month sice I really enjoyed a beer, but last night they were getting better and better as they each came across the bar one by one. I think I made quite of an ass of myself last night, the more I drank the better at pool I got and the more arrogant i was. I guess it's alright, I usually don't drink like that, nor hang out and shoot pool with Brian and Jon very often.

I got some more RAM for my laptop (Yukiko Apple -- it means figurativly 'little, white like snow, apple') I figured I would max her out, so I got a gig chip which brings it to 1256. More RAM than I have ever had in any machine before, Including my desktop Gateway machine. It runs like a dream. I was able to install Virtual PC (for Guild Wars, otherwise I wouldn't dare have that nasty infectious operating system on my mac) and still have plenty of RAM to swich back and forth in between the two. It feels like running a computer the way the computer should be running. I am still looking for a keygen for Adobe CS2, so I can finally get a website up for myself. I have been trying to use Dreamweaver instead of Golive until I can get CS2 (with GoLive) installed, but that program is so difficult when it comes to the actual manipulation of the objects as they are being layed out. It just seems like too much trouble to learn if I am goiong to figure out the keycode for CS2, but allot of companies do use it for some reason.